I wrote this quite a while back, but never published it. I feel like now is the time... today, as yesterday I was reminded that I have victory here too.
My heart aches today. As I sit in my living room in such comfort and surrounded by things that make my life easier, all I can think is... why isn't it easier? I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy. Feeling like no matter what I do I will never live up to the standards I've set for myself as a momma. I feel so very responsible for the actions of my children.
My little mister has been having a hard time at Mother's Day Out. Last Thursday I got the dreaded phone call... We need help, he's having a terrible day, time out isn't working. I know, believe me. I am struggling to know what is best for him. Do I continue to send him to school (which by the way, he loves to go... still gets so excited to be there... and when he hasn't been for a while asks when he can go again) only to be in time out all day long because he cannot control himself -OR- do I keep him at home where sometimes he's better than that, but still often cannot control himself? He's headstrong, loud, demanding, attention seeking, loud, loving, affectionate, wants to please, loud, and impulsive. Did I mention that he's loud? To top it all off he's extroverted and I.... well, if you are reading this, you probably know that I am quite the opposite of extroverted. I'm mostly quiet, sometimes timid and trying to learn to be bold, pretty observant, uber sensitive (like I cry at the drop of a hat), a recovering sometimes still struggling perfectionist, and have a difficult time when people yell at me a lot (hence why loudness is a problem.) I too can be headstrong, demanding, attention seeking, and impulsive... I wonder where he gets those things? While I know these characteristics can serve you well in the right situation, how do I help my three year old channel them so that I don't go insane?
I know I am not alone.... I know this momma job is the hardest. I know I prayed and begged and prayed for it to happen to me... I waited and longed for that precious baby to grow inside my belly and then to be able to welcome him into the world. It is and still can be so glorious. I expected it to be hard, I did. I think I just didn't know what that meant. I definitely thought I knew how hard it would be. And I'm not wishing to undo it all... I would never give them back. God knows it would be my end if I had to.
Ann Voskamp says, "a mother's labor and delivery never ends, and you never stop having to remember to breathe." I think she must be very right, indeed. Everyday I feel the figurative labor pains of my heart trying to deliver my baby into the hands of the Lord, but I hold tight with such a strong grip because it brings fear and anxiety to let go. I want so badly to be able to do it "all by myself." That is the expectation I have placed on my own head. If my days are not filled with rays of sunshine and happy giggles and compliant children, then I have failed... I am not a good momma. My children suffer at my hands because I have not given them to the Lord.
P.S. Behavior at school has improved tremendously... I am so thankful! Not just for the grown-ups... the teachers that so lovingly care for him while I am not there and for his momma and daddy who were terribly discouraged, but also for the boy. I can only imagine that he himself may have been the most discouraged of all. His little boy self is much more pleasant whenever he's had a good day, he knows it, and is proud of the choices that he was able to make. :)