Last week, as I sat down for some quiet time one morning, I prayed for God to lead me to some scripture that would speak to me and lead me to something he meant for me to realize. I was using my Bible app on my iphone and at random picked a book, chapter, and verse. As I began to read, it was all about the golden calf and I thought... what in the world does this have to do with me? So I started again from the beginning... picked a new book, chapter, and verse.... and guess what? This time, was the same theme... A story about baal- another idol. So, I got the message. There is something in my life that was standing in between God and me.
Of course, I have been fighting this battle of being consumed by the idea of having a baby for quite some time, but never once did I think that it was so consuming that it could be an idol in my life. I guess I have a lot to learn still about giving things over to God. I don't quite know the answer to this dilemma, but I have been spending a lot of time in prayer over what God would have me do now.
I think the recent consumption was started when we ventured into the world of fertility treatments. We were given a new hopeful perspective and new drugs. A drug to increase our chances of getting pregnant... not quite the "in vitro" route, but a helper none the less. I guess I assumed that one dose is all it would take and we would be on our way to another attempt at a healthy pregnancy.
Every time I think I've got this thing figured out and feel like I have defeated this overwhelming problem, I realize that I am nothing and can accomplish nothing without the help of God. I see now that the hope that God himself gave to me as a gift and sent to help heal my broken heart, I have broken and reshaped into something so unhealthy that it has become an idol. Ouch! That is so hard to admit..
Father God, Thank you for leading me to scripture that open my eyes to truth and conviction. I am devastated by my own shortcoming to allow you to take control of this part of my life. The idea of having a baby has become so overwhelming that it has been a god that i placed in front of you. Please help me to release this to you and allow you once more to reign in your rightful place. Only you deserve the throne. Lord, help me find the balance between this and hope. I know it is good to hope - hope is a gift from you. But somehow my own selfishness has perverted your beautiful gift. I know you have a wonderful plan for our lives. I know that your hand is upon us; directing our steps. I pray now that we have peace and patience without frustration as we wait for your timing. Help us to be faithful and loving. Show me your vision for my life. Keep the enemy away and spare us his misery. We know that he loves to discourage us and steal our hope. I love you and want to be closer. Thank you for sending friends that encourage us in our slumps, have empathy for us while we grieve, and challenge us when we are afraid. I pray that through my own weaknesses, you may be seen more clearly. In your son's holy name I pray, Amen.