Jesus, The friend of little children... and mommas

So, I have about five thousand four hundred and seventy-seven things rolling around in my head right now... You see, My James has been out of town for a couple of days and my kiddos decided that this would be a good time to be sick.  So, in true mommy fashion.... I'm TIRED.  I'm not just a little fatigued or even just the usual mommy tired, but truly, undeniably, burnt out... maybe crispy (No, not a crunchy momma... I mean crispy like the pizza I burnt tonight for dinner).

We had a good couple of days.  My Andy, though sick - and I really and truly hate that - was a bit more subdued than usual.  If you know my Andy, you know usual is wild with a capital "W."  And my sweet Lillian, well she's just super snotty and a little emotional about it. So, I was soaking in the sickie snuggles and being the good patient momma I'm supposed to be.  But then, just when my patience is slightly thinner and I really am getting sleepy because 1.) I don't rest well when James is gone & 2.) I don't rest well when my babies are sick... My Andy decided it was time to get his energy and evidently his contrariness back today.  TODAY.  Not tomorrow when James will be here to share the load, but TODAY.  And I tell you friends, there are times that I truly don't know how to do this parenting thing.

I said, "Yes" & he'd say, "no." I'd say, "be gentle" & then he's hitting his baby sister with a truck.  I'd say, "It's time to start cleaning up" and sure enough I turn around to more toys out than before.  It was just one of those days.  I needed the agreeable, snuggly, sweet boy today and what I got was the high-energy, hard-headed, not-listening-to-a-word-his-momma-said boy instead.  I don't know what to do on days like today.  Time-out, spankings, taking toys away... that's what I feel like I do all day long to no avail... I feel as though I'm losing every battle and it drains every ounce of hope that I am raising up a boy to love the Lord and His people.

In a world where hopelessness is the norm and love is scarcely given without condition, I want our home to be different.  I don't want my boy to think he has to be good to be loved and I don't want him to think there is no hope for him.  So, how do you turn the feeling of failure, as a parent, into hope and erase the lies that are so carefully planted in your heart by the enemy?  How do you remember that the war is already won when you're losing the battles?  Or that His divine plan is to prosper my family and my children and not to harm them?

Today I not only lost battles, but I lost my composure.  Yes, at around 6 o'clock this evening my son was yelling and crying from time-out on the couch and I too was crying.  Not in the privacy of my room or in a corner where he could not see, but right there in front of him I cried big tears from my broken heart.  Broken not because I expect him to be perfect, but because I want so badly to show him my love and he understand that it's not about getting everything he wants.  Sometimes it is shown through a firm hand.... or the word "no."  And when he cries from those big blue eyes it's as if they're as deep as the ocean and so is his sorrow.

While my tears were falling, I prayed for God to please help me.  Not help me be patient.  Not help with my words.  Not help me with discipline.  Just, "Help Me!"  It was a cry of desperation to make this better.  Somehow, someway, we could not end our day in this way.
And a still, small voice said, "Read him My word.  Read him the Bible."
So I prayed again.  "What do I read?" And He showed me-  "[Jesus,] The Friend of Little Children."
(From Matthew 18, 19, Mark 10, Luke 18)  We read it out of The Jesus Storybook Bible.  Here are Sally Lloyd-Jones's beautiful words:

"Jesus' friends were arguing.  Who was the most important helper in God's kingdom?  They wanted to know.
"I am!" James said.
"No, you're not!" said Peter. "I am!"
"Nonsense," Matthew said.  "I'm the cleverest!"
"No, you're not!"
"Yes, I am!"
"Yes!" "No!" "Am too!"
This silliness went on and on like that for some time.  You see, Jesus' friends had started thinking they had to do something to make themselves special to Jesus - that if they were the cleverest or the nicest or something, Jesus would like them the best.
But they had forgotten something.  Something God had been teaching his people all through the years: that no matter how clever you are, or how good you are, or how rich you are, or how nice you are, or how important you are - none of it makes any difference.  Because God's love is a gift and, as anyone will tell you, the whole thing about a gift is, it's free.  All you have to do is reach out your hands and take it.
So while Jesus' friends were arguing, some people who knew all about getting gifts - in fact, you might say they were gift-experts - had come to see Jesus.  Who were they?  They were little children.
Jesus' helpers tried to send them away.  "Jesus doesn't have time for you!" they said.  "He's too tired."
But they were wrong.  Jesus always had time for children.
"Don't ever send them away!" Jesus said.  "Bring the little ones to me."
Now, if you had been there, what do you think - would you have had to line up quietly to see Jesus?  Do you think Jesus would have asked you how good you'd been before he'd give you a hug?  Would you have had to be on your best behavior?  And get dressed up?  And not speak until spoken to?
Or ... would you have done just what these children did - run straight up to Jesus and let him pick you up in his arms and swing you and kiss you and hug you and then sit you on his lap and listen to your stories and your chats?
You see, children loved Jesus, and they knew they didn't need to do anything special for Jesus to love them.  All they needed to do was to run into his arms.  And so that's just what they did.
Well, after all the laughing and games, Jesus turned to his helpers and said, "No matter how big you grow, never grow up so much that you lose your child's heart: full of trust in God.  Be like these children.  They are the most important in my kingdom."

Ring around the rosey... can't you see him?  Loving them in their love language? Playing with them? Beautiful. 

Isn't that beautifully written?  It's such a sweet echo of God's word.  Now, Andy and I talked all the way through the story... the teacher in me, I suppose.  We talk about some of the words... vocabulary can still be hard.  And we talk about the illustrations... what do the people's faces say and such.  We talked about the title - "The friend of little children."  I asked Andy who little children were and he had to inform me that he was not a little children he was a BIG BOY... so we changed the title:  "The friend of Big Boys."  And we talked about presents and acted out taking a gift from someone... we reached out our hands and took them back to our chests.  And I of course asked him if he knew that Jesus loved him... and he argumentatively stated that "Jesus not love him."  (You see this is a game he plays with the people that tell him they love him most often.  I'll say, "Andy, do you know I love you?" and he'll reply, "You not love me.  Daddy love me." or "Papa love me." etc.)  Anyway, my point is, I tried.  I really tried.  I have no idea if that story in scripture made any impact on his little heart at all...  We talked about how you don't have to be good or have a lot of money or be strong or be anything special to have God's love.... or momma's love.  I told him that it makes me sad when he's not nice or he decides to hit or scream, but I still love him... no. matter. what.  (This is a whole other soap box to stand on... one of the 5,477 things I mentioned... but it hurts my heart when I see Christian families put conditions on the love for their children without saying that's what they're doing... disowning for lifestyle choices or addictions or whatever... what scars must be left.)

After we read, I prayed for God's word to penetrate the heart of my little boy.  And no matter if he remembers any of it tomorrow or if tomorrow is better than today, I'll still love him and I'll fight to share God's truth instead of the enemy's lies in our home.  While there are probably things in that story he will not understand for many years to come, I know I won one battle today.  I listened to my God and He instilled peace in my hurting momma heart.  He whispered in my ear that it was okay and He saw my efforts, though not perfect.  He assured me that the war has already been won. Victory is mine because I rest in Him and he in me.  I am so thankful for His all consuming grace.

Now I'll leave you with a version of Psalm 91 spoken to me by a dear friend and respected co-momma...

"My family dwells in the shelter of the Most High and we will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  My family will say of the Lord, 'He is our refuge and our fortress, our God, in whom we trust.'  Surely he will save us from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover my family with his feathers, and under his wings we will find refuge; his faithfulness will be our shield and rampart.  My family will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.  A thousand may fall at our side, ten thousand may fall at our right hand, but it will not come near us.  We will only observe with our eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If my family makes the Most High our dwelling - even the Lord, who is our refuge - then no harm will befall us, no disaster will come near our home.  For he will command his angels concerning us to guard us in all of our ways; they will lift my family up in their hands, so that we will not strike our feet against a stone.  We will tread upon the lion and the cobra; we will trample the great lion and the serpent.
'Because they love me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue them; I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.  They will call upon me, and I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will deliver them and honor them.  With long life I will satisfy them and show them my salvation.'"

Mommas and daddies, this is kingdom work... holy work... and victory is already ours.

Welcome, Lillian!

So, I've pretty much fallen off of the blogging train, there's nothing like kids to make you quit doing all sorts of useful things (dishes, cleaning house, showering, blogging, etc...).  I haven't written anything since we found out we were expecting and now she's here and three months old!  It's strange how time passes so quickly when you have children.  You blink and another month has passed.  I feel as if we were just here with little man and now here we are with baby girl.  Somehow I turned thirty and had two kids over night.  It's been quite the adventure since around August....  seems so long ago.

In August, Andy's health started to scare us a bit.  He kept getting these nasty colds and every single time they'd go straight to his chest and cause some serious breathing issues.  After three colds, three rounds of steroids, and lots of breathing treatments, we went for Andy's "well" visit which was not so well and he was loosely diagnosed with asthma.  So, we started a preventative breathing treatment twice daily to help his fight off the yuck.  Not long after, maybe a week later, Andy ended up in the hospital with low oxygen and very labored breathing.... this wasn't the greatest timing.  You see, that was September 26th... a Friday.  On September 29th, I was scheduled to be induced with Miss Lillian.  I couldn't believe this could be happening... not to mention it was my 30th birthday weekend... (seeing your baby hooked up to oxygen and tied in a hospital bed for three days might be the worst birthday present ever).

Andy was having a hard time keeping food down at first, so he was eating popsicles.  On our second day he had to have a shot and I asked if he could have a popsicle afterwards... when asked if he wanted red or purple he said, "Red AND purple!" So, here he is with both.  

So, we waited for Andy to get better... spent three nights in the hospital... and had chocolate birthday cake in the hospital.  I tried to share with all the nurses and technicians, but not one person ate my Julia's Birthday cake.  It made me rather sad.  It was okay though... more for me.  I had gestational diabetes this go around and that chocolate cake may have been the best thing I'd ever put into my mouth!  Anyway, Saturday, after we found out that Andy may be there for a while, I called my doctor and she moved my induction to Tuesday.  Well, then I started getting sick.... induction moved again to Thursday.  Andy was discharged Monday and we spent the night in our own beds.  It was glorious. After sleeping on a hospital couch or recliner for three nights, my very pregnant body was so happy to be on my soft mattress.  Tuesday, we started our day as normal.  Took it easy around the house. Around lunch time we were all still in our pjs and getting ready for lunch.  Andy and James were already eating and I went into the kitchen to fix something for myself... water broke.  WATER BROKE!  I was not in labor, but I told James... "I think my water just broke."  He sort of had a panic moment (got to go right now!) but after I got him calmed down I decided to take a shower. We slowly got ourselves ready to go to the hospital.  We were going to have a baby.  

One last picture before heading to the hospital.

We made it to the hospital late that afternoon and I started walking the halls trying to get the contractions to start.  Some progress was made, but not enough. Several laps, a couple of popsicles, and a movie later, they started the pitocin.  A small dose at first and the contractions started... but still not enough progress.  My LD Nurse, Quita upped the dosage about every hour until things started moving along.  Finally, I was pretty uncomfortable and I could tell the contractions were getting more intense and I asked for an epidural... sadly, I transitioned to a 9 while getting the epidural.  It was a completely different experience than when I had Andy.  I was terribly shocked at how slow they were with the epidural this time.  It seemed like it took forever!  Maybe I was just in a lot of pain and that took forever.  I did better managing my breathing and staying relaxed this time around.  Quita and James were the best coaches.  Couldn't have done it without them.  We waited for the doctor for a few minutes and then it was time to push! 

Me and my popsicle.  

For those of you that know me well, and have for a while you are probably shocked that I could get through any of this without fainting.... but I watched myself give birth... It was so amazing.  One good push and here she was.  :)  AMAZING!

My beautiful baby girl was born September 30th at 11:39pm weighing in at 7lbs 13oz and 20 inches long.

That's one proud daddy right there.

There's my itty bitty girl.

After delivery, Lillian's blood sugar was very low so they whisked her away for a few minutes to give her some formula and monitor her.  Evidently, that is common with gestational diabetes.  During that hour away from me, I ate a cheeseburger.  Yep, at about 1:00 am I was eating a cheeseburger and fries.  It never tasted better.  My girl came back and we headed to our regular room.  

A full couple of days ahead of us, I was thankful for a little rest.  We had lots of visitors at the hospital and all of the usual newborn screening tests with a couple of extra ones.  Finally, a couple of days in we were able to go home.  We were greeted by the sweetest Big Brother and my parents.  

Gran

Grandaddy

Uncle Thomas

Aunt Coco

Cousin Hannah, Aunt T, and Cousin Emily

Uncle Chad

Nita

Big brother Andy seeing his baby sister in the nursery for the first time.

Holding baby sister for the first time.

Andy playing with his big brother gift.

An excited Nita, Papa Willie, and Anderson welcoming baby Lillian home.

Greetings, little one! 

The Adventures of Super Andy

Well, I've once again been hanging on to a secret.... one that has given me joy and excitement mixed with much worry and anxiety....

That's right, friends.... you can have ALL of those emotions at once.  (Just ask my husband about the roller coaster he lives with.)

On January 31st, we welcomed with great joy the news of a new baby!  Our sweet boy has never been "an only child" in my heart, but now if things go as planned, one month after he turns two years old, somewhere around the October 5th mark, our little hero will be getting a sidekick.

I'm twelve weeks along today and boy can I tell you that it is true what they say!  Every pregnancy is different.  I must have been terribly spoiled by my Anderson.  He was such a nice little thing not making his momma so sick.  This time around has been a totally different ball game.  I am pretty sure I've already endured every known pregnancy symptom- nothing like a little reassurance that things are going well.

Anyway, if I didn't let the cat out of the bag, my growing tummy would soon spill the beans.  I've been wearing maternity pants for a few weeks out of pure comfort... buttons and such don't feel so good.  But soon, it will be out of pure necessity.

Please, join us in praying for peanut number two and all of the transitions to come.  Though he doesn't understand it now, Anderson will soon be sharing mommy and daddy's attention with someone new...

BECAUSE...

And just because I know some of you will ask, the dreaded baby bump picture...

(Don't mind my sleepy eyes... it was nap time at the Lee house.)

The Jesse Tree

James and I were talking around the start of this holiday season, back around Thanksgiving, and he mentioned wanting to maybe do advent through Christmas.  Well, I was okay with that, but I didn't really know what advent was... Thankfully, I came across a study on the Bible app on my ipad titled: Advent-Emmanuel, God with us. It started out kind of defining advent for me and that really helped.  Here is what it said:

"Arrival.  That is what the word "advent" means.  Only the Advent we are celebrating here is not just any arrival.  It is The Arrival.

Advent is not about waiting for a baby to be born.  Advent is not about waiting for a religion to be established.  Advent is not about gifts or liturgy or days on the church calendar.

It is a weary, hurting world tracing the promises of God through time.

It is the groaning of mankind under weight of sin so heavy it cannot lift its head.  From the first debt of sin to a voice crying in the wilderness, "Prepare ye the way of the Lord!", Advent traces kings and kingdoms and goats and alters in search of an everlasting hope - Emmanuel, God with us.

This is Advent: the coming of hope to the hopeless, the arrival of peace to war-torn exiles, the long-awaited exhale of freedom for generation after generation gasping for air.

Advent is the elaborate yet stunningly simple plan of God to descend to His children, to become like them in the most unexpected, unglamorous, fully human way.

This is the beginning of a great ransom story."

Anyway, those are not my words, but they became my heart.  They truly struck a chord that I'm not sure had ever been struck in the same way before.  I was moved and knew that advent had to be a part of our traditions not just this year, but for all Christmas seasons to come.  I suddenly realized that though I've always loved Santa and the "magic of the season" it was no longer important to me at all.  (I'm not trying to start an anti-Santa campaign of any kind, so please don't misunderstand my words.)  I wanted to learn to anticipate freedom and redemption and Jesus and all he brings through his life, death, and resurrection the way I had always anticipated Christmas.... and I know I want to teach my children to do the same.

So, I went on a search.  I decided to start working on making an advent calendar that worked for us.  Not just a Christmas countdown, like so many advent calendars seem to be, but something with real meaning that "traced the promises of God through time." I had previously come across this lady's website that I'd used several times in teaching Sunday school and she had some free downloads that I wasn't sure if I'd use, but ended up saving just in case.  I remembered they kind of went through the Bible from the Old Testament to New so I went back and took a look...  they were titled "The Jesse Tree Advent Project."  I had no idea what a Jesse tree was, so I had to read about that also.  It turns out, its a really neat way to journey through scriptural events that occurred before Jesus's birth.  The term "Jesse tree" comes from Isaiah 11:1-"A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse: from his roots a Branch will bear fruit."  This verse refers to Jesse, the father of King David, who was in the lineage of Jesus Christ.  My wheels began to turn.  I read and searched and read and searched.  Finally, I settled on this set of printables that followed along with the Jesus Storybook Bible that we already owned and love!  (If you don't know this version of the Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones and you have children, or even if you don't, you must find it!)  The printables came from keepinglifecreative.com.  Pam, the creator of the website, designs these beautiful digital felt images that are perfect for using on felt boards.  You just print and laminate and put some felt on the back and they're perfect!  The Jesse Tree set can be purchased on Teachers pay Teachers for $6.00 and then she has a free download so that you can pick just the ones that go along with the Jesus Storybook Bible.  Then, with a stroke of luck, I found kelleighratzlaff.com!  She has a timeline and tutorial on how to make your own Jesse Tree ornaments.  Perfect!

Finally, I took all my ideas and nailed down a plan.  I saw this Jesse Tree on Etsy that I really liked and tried to make my own using my new resources.  Here's what I came up with

It's by no means perfect, but I made it!  If you look closely, or even not so closely, you can tell the red felt that backs the tree is VERY crooked.  But each piece is made from felt and hand embroidered/sewn.  I look forward to using it for years to come and eventually passing it on like a family heirloom.  

Here are some shots of my favorite ornaments.

I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out, even with its crookedness.  

And one more picture, just because it makes my heart so happy to see hime enjoy it.

One Year (and a couple weeks)...

One year and almost two weeks ago, I was birthing a baby!  It is so unbelievable to me that it could possibly have been a year already, but I cannot even imagine what life was like before my little Anderson came in the world.  Babies really do change everything... so much in fact that you can't remember what it was like without a baby.
He's so beautiful.  He's not just cute and fun, but he is beautiful!  God created him with such precision. Just the right amount of giggle to overjoy my heart.... just the right amount of independence to keep me patient.... just the right amount curiosity to keep me busy.... just the right amount of watchfulness to make me want to be a better person.... and just the right amount of tears to keep me compassionate.  Yes, I could argue that he was created with me in mind, and yet I know he has a much greater purpose than to just fulfill my hearts desire.
I truly feel so many emotions over this milestone, but we had to celebrate!  It was, in fact, one of the most wonderful days of my life.  So, we had a party!  A fun, colorful, monster party.  I worked on the decor for quite sometime and then we invited family and a few friends to come enjoy it with us.  Here are some of the highlights!

The Welcome... I found the monster wreath idea on pinterest (here) and loved it!  I know you don't often need a monster wreath, but he was the perfect greeter for our party and I thought at least maybe I could reuse him around Halloween time.

So, most of the things I created for the party were inspired by pinterest.  Here are some canvases I made for decorations.  (Inspriration here and here.) I painted each of them with acrylics and then used my Cricut to cut out the words and stuff.  The blue canvas and the green polka dot canvas both have paper letters that were applied using Mod Podge.  The yellow canvas has vinyl letters that are self adhesive.  I finished them off with a nice coat of matte finish clear acrylic.  I have this vision of pulling out "the birthday signs" each year... so hopefully they'll last for a long time. 

The sweets table... and of course, Andy's favorite snack- Goldfish.  Though you can't see them, the big pompoms have giant wiggly eyes to make them look like monsters. We have lots of monster books from my kindergarten days, so there's a couple of those on the table, too.  My favorite by far is Go Away Big Green Monster by Ed Emberly.  So much fun.  

A close up of the goodies.  Don't judge my attempt at a monster smash cake.  The cupcakes and cake pops definitely turned out better than it did.  I'm not sure what I did wrong... my icing kept falling off and it is terribly crooked.  Fortunately, Anderson didn't notice its flaws.  The links for my smash cake and cupcake inspiration are here and here.

The monster cupcakes.  I made some chocolate with cream cheese filling and icing and some yellow with cream cheese filling and icing.  The small candy eyeballs were ordered online (I can't seem to remember which website) and the large ones are Wilton brand purchased at Michael's.

I made lots of little funny monsters with my Cricut and stuck them and monster party hats around on the furniture.  The party favors came from Oriental Trading and we had lots of wallet sized pictures from the year to give out also.

A couple of banners.  The picture banner has a one picture from each month starting with a maternity picture and going to 11 months old.  The happy birthday banner is being stored with the birthday canvases in hopes of using it again for future birthdays.

Of course, we had to have one more mini-banner for the birthday boy's chair.  

First, we ate lunch  (hamburgers and hotdogs with all the fixings) and then it was time to open presents.

He was definitely starting to get sleepy at this point.  You can see it in those little eyes.  Time for cake before it's too late! 

Before

After-  My sweet icing covered sleepy boy.

He didn't really get into his cake much... I think he was too sleepy.

We put the boy in the bathtub and one more photo opp at the Monster photo booth. Inspiration here.

Then, the photo booth became a kissing booth!  

Anyway, we had a wonderful time celebrating with those that came.  It was a special day.  My mom made a wonderful time capsule for Anderson to open on his 18th birthday.  We all wrote letters and I added all of his birthday cards and a monster party hat.  James made a lovely slideshow which I could not lay eyes on without crying. So much fun and so tiring!  I look forward to doing it again in a year.  

**  All of the pictures you see here (except for the monster wreath picture- which was taken with my iphone) are courtesy of Mrs. Twila Allen of Twila's Photography!  Check her out- she's fabulous! You can see her site here. **

diapers to dorms

We all know them, in fact you might be one of them, sometimes I am one of them.... the people that are never happy with where they are in their lives.  The ones who are always wishing away the days longing for the next step.  I'm not saying you're wrong in doing so, it's just sort of been driving me crazy lately.  Wishing for a relationship... a wedding.... a new house.... to be pregnant.... to have a baby..... etc.  Maybe it's about feeling accomplished? Maybe it's just dissatisfaction?  But on top of this constant "looking to the future" each stage holds constant complaints about what was so wished for.  Wishing for a house just to complain about the responsibilities that come with it.  Wishing for a pregnancy just to complain about every ache and pain. Wishing for a baby only to complain about sleeplessness and fatigue.  {Side bar- Let me just remind you/myself that there are people that only dream of the blessings we have.  He only dreams about having a warm home to sleep in, let alone the 4 bedroom 2.5 bath "mansion" that you own. She only imagines feeling that little baby kick inside her womb and push its little feet into her ribs making it difficult to breathe.  Infertility comes in many forms and is so painful.  Those parents can no longer hold their child on this earth but look forward to holding their child somewhere in eternity due to a heart-wrenching tragedy that took his life away.  I know... moving on.}

I guess the reason it has bothered me so is because of where I've been... At least that is what I've come to assume.  I don't really know... and I know at times I am guilty of the other. But I'm here wishing with every ounce of me that I could just slow things down.  That I could find a way to hold on to each moment that passes.  That I could find some magic wand  time machine something that would help me to remember every second of this precious time.  I don't want to forget.  I don't want to let my baby grow up... so, I ask myself.... "Is this really better than wishing for the next stage?" I mean, I know that there has to be a balance between treasuring the moment and looking forward to the future.  Oh, that's so hard!

I know he's here (Anderson, that is) for the same purpose I am.. to further the Kingdom.  I am enjoying each stage of his development and truly love watching him learn, but I have this dilemma of the heart.  Each time he learns something, he becomes more independent of me.  He needs me less and I want him more.  For nine months it was up to God and me to sustain his little life.  I understand that he's only six months old and we're far from moving into the dorms, but I see it happening in my mind's eye and it is too quick.  I miss him already.

 Children are a heritage from the Lord, 

offspring a reward from Him.

~Psalm 127:3~