The Sweetest Story

Well, I suppose this has waited long enough.  I've had this blog page open for the last week trying to think about how to write my next post. 


I went to the New Vision Winter Women's Event last weekend and really enjoyed my time there.  The guest speaker, Lisa Whittle, spoke on telling your story.  I can't say that it was anything profound for me... I mean I guess I have been learning a lot of things that she talked about on my own in the past two years.  However, it was gratifying to hear someone else confirm that your story does not define you.  Our stories consists of experiences, good and bad, that we have throughout our lives, but that is not all.  The most powerful part of our stories is what God has done to change us through them. 


When I first started this blog, I told my story and shared the beginnings of my journey with you.  I have found that it is the sweetest kind of story.  God is teaching me new things about him all the time.  I have been so blessed, even in my hurt, to find him waiting for me each time I turn around.  In the moments that I forget that he is bigger than this life He never ceases to amaze me with his timing and faithfulness.  Equally so, I am amazed that I so easily turn away and forget. 


I wanted to share all of this to tell you that my story is changing once again.  On December 26th, 2011 we found out that we were expecting.  Through several weeks of hormone checks and ultrasounds, things are good.  I am officially 11 weeks along and baby #4 is the picture of health. 

Most recently, I've been learning a lot about fear and faith.  As you can probably imagine, because of our history, I have been battling a lot of anxiety and fear. God truly has been revealing to me that faith in Him is the only solution.  This week I have been meditating on his word in Ephesians.  

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:16-21 NIV)

 He truly is able to do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." Those words really struck me this week.  I know that He is bigger than my fears of loss.  I know that He is bigger than my fear of hurt and tears.  I know that He is bigger than my fear of losing another baby.  And no matter, how many times the doctors say, "Everything looks normal, you shouldn't be worried," I can't get that into my head.  The only thing that seems to help are His constant reminders that He is GOOD.  In a world of  change and confusion, He is constant.   I am coming to realize that if I can't give this to Him, this is not the end of anything.  If this baby makes it into our arms, then I will be worrying forever!  So, it has to start now.  

As we continue to pray over this little life and the coming months of development and growth, We ask that you pray with us.  We will keep you updated as often as possible.  Thank you in advance for your love and support during this terrifying and exciting time.  :)

idols

Last week, as I sat down for some quiet time one morning, I prayed for God to lead me to some scripture that would speak to me and lead me to something he meant for me to realize.  I was using my Bible app on my iphone and at random picked a book, chapter, and verse.  As I began to read, it was all about the golden calf and I thought... what in the world does this have to do with me?  So I started again from the beginning... picked a new book, chapter, and verse.... and guess what?  This time, was the same theme... A story about baal- another idol.  So, I got the message.  There is something in my life that was standing in between God and me. 

Of course, I have been fighting this battle of being consumed by the idea of having a baby for quite some time, but never once did I think that it was so consuming that it could be an idol in my life.  I guess I have a lot to learn still about giving things over to God.  I don't quite know the answer to this dilemma, but I have been spending a lot of time in prayer over what God would have me do now. 

I think the recent consumption was started when we ventured into the world of fertility treatments.  We were given a new hopeful perspective and new drugs.  A drug to increase our chances of getting pregnant... not quite the "in vitro" route, but a helper none the less.  I guess I assumed that one dose is all it would take and we would be on our way to another attempt at a healthy pregnancy.  Unfortunately Thankfully, God had other things in mind... like showing me a deadly sin in my life.  (As you can probably tell, I am still trying to learn how to be grateful for God's timing and his will for me to be holy- with or without the happiness part.)

Every time I think I've got this thing figured out and feel like I have defeated this overwhelming problem, I realize that I am nothing and can accomplish nothing without the help of God.  I see now that the hope that God himself gave to me as a gift and sent to help heal my broken heart, I have broken and reshaped into something so unhealthy that it has become an idol.  Ouch!  That is so hard to admit..

Father God, Thank you for leading me to scripture that open my eyes to truth and conviction.  I am devastated by my own shortcoming to allow you to take control of this part of my life.  The idea of having a baby has become so overwhelming that it has been a god that i placed in front of you.  Please help me to release this to you and allow you once more to reign in your rightful place.  Only you deserve the throne.  Lord, help me find the balance between this and hope.  I know it is good to hope - hope is a gift from you.  But somehow my own selfishness has perverted your beautiful gift.  I know you have a wonderful plan for our lives.  I know that your hand is upon us; directing our steps.  I pray now that we have peace and patience without frustration as we wait for your timing.  Help us to be faithful and loving.  Show me your vision for my life.  Keep the enemy away and spare us his misery.  We know that he loves to discourage us and steal our hope.  I love you and want to be closer.  Thank you for sending friends that encourage us in our slumps, have empathy for us while we grieve, and challenge us when we are afraid.  I pray that through my own weaknesses, you may be seen more clearly.  In your son's holy name I pray, Amen.